Happy October, Kathy,

I hope you have been able to enjoy the beautiful fall weather during this past month.  In the last few weeks, I've sometimes just stood in awe of the colors of the sky, and the fields ripe for harvest and the incredible golds & reds of the leaves gently falling to the ground.  

It occurred to me that in the past few years, I have not been able to enjoy fall.  It was merely the reminder that winter was coming- the cold, the dreary, ... the holidays!  I was keenly aware that I was not looking forward to the 'jolly' time where all were expected to 'deck the halls' and 'falalala!"  I know when Leisha died, I really wondered if I would ever feel life again.  I went through a lot of motions, smiled at lots of things, and even bought gifts for my precious family.  But I FELT nothing! I was numb through and through.

Each year after, I have sensed an awareness that I was feeling life beginning to bloom.  This year, I really do feel LIFE surging through me, and I'm enjoying things that I haven't enjoyed for a long time.  I am so grateful! But there are some aspects of my grief that are still so tender.

Recently, I had a conversation with a woman who has lost, and lost, and this summer lost again. I heard her broken heart. I felt her deep pain. I saw her wince at the thought of going through the holidays.  I can't imagine the emotions going on in her this week and in the weeks to come.  But I remembered mine. I wept with the pain of it all over again.  I asked God to help me help others who are hurting as my friend is hurting. 

Why do we talk about this topic now - in October, before the family holiday season begins? Because as the days get colder, the first leaves fall, and other people begin to set dates for festive gatherings and start to buy gifts, there are many others that feel the dread of the holidays begin. Maybe you are one who can hardly breathe at the thought of going through the holidays.  Maybe there is someone in your life who has lost something or someone this year- or in recent years.  Have you taken time to consider what they are going through right now? Have you talked to them about what might be bothering them as they think about the upcoming weeks. Please don't assume that 'everything's ok'! Please make the effort to discuss how they are doing, even if you are unsure of what to do or say!

This issue of GHC's newsletter is focusing on what we can do to help ourselves or each other in a time that may not be as 'joyful' as the season demands.  There is such HOPE for all who are desperate and full of grief. But even in a lonely journey of grief, we don't have to be alone.

Be part of helping someone SEE HOPE this holiday season!

Kathy

PS. We would love to have you be part of the SIMPLY GREEN prayer ministry on behalf of the GHC community, please let me know of your interest.  You will receive one prayer letter a month and urgent prayer requests as they arise.

ARTICLE

sad mimeFACING GRIEF & the HOLIDAYS!
by Kathy Burrus, Green Hope Coaching

There are many faces of grief.  They are male or female, young or old, rich or poor, single or married or single again.  There are as many reasons for mourning as there are faces.  It might be the death of a loved one- a spouse, or parent, or perhaps a child.  But it might also be the death of a dream, or loss of a job, or a health related issue that leaves you numb with the pain.  Maybe it’s the loss of a relationship with a friend, or of a marriage, or a child leaving for college.

I’ve learned much about grief through experience; the loss of a dream, the loss of a career, the loss of security, the loss of health, the loss of confidence in myself & my God, the loss of a child.  I have also learned much from an author by the name of Jerry Sittser who has also known loss. He was involved in a tragic accident that took the lives of his wife, his mother and his 4 year old daughter. 

It was Jerry who reminded me that there is no real way to say ‘which loss is the worst’!  We may look at Jerry’s loss and deem it the most difficult grief to overcome.  But we don’t really know that.  Because each of us only REALLY KNOWS the loss we have experienced.  As we experience the most difficult thing we’ve ever gone through, it doesn’t matter whose loss is greater.  All we really know is that this is our most difficult thing. We must somehow learn to grieve and cope with our loss.

Jerry writes in his book called A Grace Disguised,

“Sooner or later, all people suffer loss, in little doses or big ones, suddenly or over time, privately or in public settings. Loss is as much a part of normal life as birth, for as surely as we are born into this world, we suffer loss before we leave it.

It is not, therefore, the experience of loss that becomes the defining moment of our lives, for that is as inevitable as death….  It is HOW we respond to loss that matters. That response will largely determine the quality, the direction, and the impact of our lives. …It IS POSSIBLE to live in and be enlarged by loss, even as we continue to experience it.”
 
If you are like most people who suffer grief, you know that trying to determine what is the ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ way to RESPOND is the hard part.  We find ourselves asking: What is happening to me? How will I survive this? Do I even want to? Am I going crazy? Is what I’m feeling normal?

There are as many answers as there are people depending on the unique factors of your situation: who you are as a person, what your family is like, what loss you experienced, how it changed your roles in life, etc. etc. 

Waves of memories during the holiday season can intensify the sadness or pain that we feel and magnify the stress that is already part of the holiday season.   There are no ready answers to: How will I make it through all the ‘joy of the season’? Can we just ignore the holiday? Do I have to act like everything’s all right or that I’m all right?

Sometimes you must learn your answer by doing, and most often we learn better when we trying yet another way if our first attempt was not helpful.

Jim Miller, author of How Will I Get Through the Holidays? 12 ideas for those whose Loved One Has Died says,

Take charge where you can.
 There is much in your life, of course, that has moved beyond your command. The loss you’ve experienced and the resulting inescapable changes have robbed you of a power you may have taken for granted. Yet there are some actions you can take and some decisions you can make that are within your authority. Begin to take control of your life in specific ways, even if those ways seem small.

Keeping in mind that we all have suffered or will suffer loss, and that there has never been a loss precisely like yours, there are still some aspects of responding that have proven to be helpful to bereaved people through the years.  These are in no way rules to be strictly adhered to.  They are suggestions; ideas that you can make your own.  Adapt them to your specific circumstance and make them work for you. 

What are some things you CAN do to find those moments?

(adapted from http://dying.about.com/od/thegrievingprocess/a/holiday-grief.htm)

  • Offer Yourself Some Grace
    The best thing you can do this holiday season is be kind to yourself. Give yourself permission to feel whatever it is you are feeling. Don’t fall prey to the belief that you have to feel a certain way or do certain things for your holiday to be “normal.” If you feel sad, allow the tears to come; if you feel angry, allow yourself to vent some steam.
  •  Be Kind to Yourself
    Get the rest and nourishment you need. Don’t take on any more than you can handle. If you need to be alone, honor that. If you crave the company and affection of others, seek it out. Do whatever it is that feels right to you.
  •  Ask For and Accept Help 
    The holiday season is no time to feign strength and independence. You will need the help and support of others to get through. Don’t feel as though you are a burden. People get immense satisfaction and joy from helping those they care about.

    In times of need, other people desire to help but often don’t know how. This is the time for you to speak up and make your needs known. If you need someone to help you with meals, shopping, or decorating, tell them so. They will be delighted to feel like they are helping you in some way.

    The same holds true for your emotional needs. Friends and family may feel uncomfortable when it comes to talking about your grief. They may think that you don’t want to talk about it and they don’t want to remind you of your pain. Again, you will have to direct them in knowing the best way to help you. If you want to talk about what you’re going through or just want a shoulder to cry on, let your loved ones know.
  •  Find Support 
    Sharing your feelings is the best way to get through them. You need people you can talk to. Friends and relatives can be a great support to us during times of grief, but they are sometimes full of their own grief or so immersed in the business of the holidays that they cannot be a support to you. Support groups for caregivers and the bereaved are plentiful during the holiday season. Check with local churches, community centers, and hospice agencies to find a group that suits you. Support group members often make friends that end up being a source of support for years to come. 

    GHC is offering a weekly call just for you during the holiday season.  More information is provided below.
  •  Make a Difference 
    Most of us like to help others during the holiday season. Dropping our change in the charity basket, or donating to our favorite organization can help us feel like we are contributing to a greater good. Helping others in times of grief can help take the focus off yourself and your pain. Volunteering at a nursing home, hospital, children’s shelter, or soup kitchen can be cathartic in times of pain. Even helping a friend or family member in need can be healing.
  •  Stop the Comparisons 
    It’s easy to watch other families and compare them to your own. Seeing other families together and enjoying the festivities may make you feel deprived. Keep in mind that the holidays are stressful for most families and are rarely the magical gatherings depicted in greeting cards. Try to embrace what you have rather than compare it to what you think others have.
  • Remember That You Will Survive 
    As hard as it is for you right now, you will survive. You will make it through the holidays in one piece. It may be the most difficult season in your time of grief, but it will pass. And when it does, you will come out on the other side stronger than before.

You don’t have to enjoy the holidays. You don’t even have to go through the motions pretending to enjoy the festivities. But, it’s also just fine to have a good time in spite of your grief. If happiness slips through your window of grief, allow it to happen and enjoy it. You won’t be doing your loved one an injustice by feeling joyous. The best gift you can give anyone you love, even someone you have lost, is being true to yourself and living your life to the fullest.

But always remember, you are not alone.  Many people have gone before you and have experienced something similar to what you are facing right now.  They have learned to endure and to survive and even ‘be enlarged by’ the painful loss.  You can too!  This holiday season can be a significant time for you. They won’t be like they have ever been- but you can find that they can be meaningful, special times.  Even though you may still feel the hurt, they can offer hope- ‘green’ hope.  Keep your eyes open for the life-giving moments that may surprise you!

You just never know when, in the middle of your darkest hour, a seed of hope will be planted in you and life will begin to find its way into your heart.  Here’s to you!

Seeing Green Hope ~ even in a brown holiday!

 

THOUGHTS & TIPS
What we have once enjoyed deeply we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes part of us.  ~Helen Keller
 
When a person is born, we rejoice; and when they are married, we jubilate; but when they die we try to pretend that nothing has happened. ~ Margaret Meade 
 
No one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear. ~ C.S. Lewis
 
When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares. ~ Henri Nouwen
 
Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope.
1 Thessalonians 4:12-14

EVENTS

GHC's Holiday FOCUS on Grieving__

GROUP COACHING

UGH! It’s the Holidays Again!

Special HOLIDAY group coaching opportunity for men & women!

TOPIC: How to do HOLIDAY when all I want to do is cry!

       SEVEN Week TELEGroup session
       Meeting  Wednesday, Nov 23, 2011- Jan 4, 2012

10:00am Eastern Time (19:00am C/ 7:00am P)
Phone number/ access code given when registered.

Cost for 6 week session: Regularly $175,
Holiday special $70

Sometimes the sparkle of the holidays only amplifies the sadness of your heart. You are not alone.
Join us over the phone as we walk through the holidays together.

(one on one coaching available- contact Kathy for details)

___________________________________________________________________________________ 

Need a new idea for a gift for a favorite married couple in your life?  For more information, or to register for these and more GHC opportunities, CLICK HERE!

I look forward to hearing from you! 

Seeing GREEN HOPE!

Kathy 

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Kathy Burrus
kathy@greenhopecoaching.com

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Kathy Burrus
Green Hope Coaching with Kathy Burrus